Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Today, On a Very Special Episode of Zoey 101

So, by now, everyone has heard the wonderous news that Jamie Lyn Spears, younger, plucky, until recently chaste(r) sister of Britney Spears is, how shall I put this delicately, knocked up.

Yes, the daughter of the front runner for worse, white trash parent ever (this by far trumps the "Pig" comment from lovely Alec Baldwin to his 11 year-old daughter earlier last year) Lyn Spears (who is currently writing a book on raising her children in the spotlight and stardom - I believe the title is "Huff Paint and Eat 'Shrooms: the Lyn Spears Guide to F***ing up your Children's Lives").

Now, children, let's review the facts before we proceed:

1) Jamie Lyn is 16 years old.

2) The father is supposed Casey Aldridge, who is 18 years old.

3) In Louisiana - this isn't statutory rape (coincidentally, both R Kelly and Michael Jackson have bought recent residences in the state).

4) Casey LIVED IN THE HOUSE with Lyn and Jamie Lyn.

5) Lyn (now to be reffered to as "WTM" (white trash mom)) and Jamie Lyn ("W" (whore)) broke the news to the world through the stellar and reputable publication OK Magazine.

6) They also sold first rights to have pictures of the UNBORN baby for $1 million (you know you're screwed up when you're pimping out pics of a fetus).

7) Now, Casey Aldridge is disputing the claim that he is the father (and it is rumored that an older (see: Statutory Rape) man who works on Zoey 1o1 (as a producer, director, catering boy (depending on the day, I guess)) is the father - and that the Spears are paying Casey to take to fall in order to avoid criminal charges and more tarnish to the upstanding Spears Family name.

Okay, now that we have that all out of the way - let me clarify something before continuing. Teen Pregnancies happen. It's a fact. As long as you have teenagers having sex - some will get preggers. I'm not here to open a forum on that - nor do I think every teeneager who has sex is a whore/manwhore. I use those terms for W because her family facilitated (and by action, encouraged) this to happen by letting her have a live in boyfriend. Not the smartest decision ever made. I think this was worse than the family in Brooklyn who gave all their kids 9MM for Christmas gifts. Eicarumba.

Anyways, so, W is the star of Nick's Zoey 101. And now they're faced with a preggers star (poor Nick, it's all been downhill since Clarissa Explains It All). So, in order to try and salvage the respectibilty of their network, they've toyed with the idea of having a Teen Pregnancy episode of Zoey 101. I've decided to help Nick out, and cast my two cents in for an episode idea. Here we go:

Open On:

Montage of a 16 year-old (from LA, who comes from an already proved brain-dead family) trying to figure out how to use a damn pregnancy test. She puts it in her mouth, under her armpit, in her cereal bown. Finally, she figures it out.

During school she makes a list of all the people who could be the possible father (including the director, producer, and caterer). By process of elimination, throughout the day, she narrows the list (she comes to find that she couldn't have gotten pregnant by most of the boys on the list because the various, er, >ahem<, acts couldn't biologically have led to pregnancy. She feels embarrassed at her lack of knowledge, but then again, she's too young to have taken sex ed yet, so how would she know?).

We follow her, documentary style, as she leaves the boundaries of Zoey's world and walks off the set. She finds the caterer, the director, and the producer, who all deny being the father. In a fit of desolation, she breaks down sobbing. The nearby hairdresser comes over to console her. In a moment of clarity, Zoey realizes that the female hairdresser must be the father - they shared a night of fermented Hawaiian Punch induced passion. The hairdresser uncomfortably laughs and tries to explain that that too couldn't work.

Zoey goes home, downtrodden, and announces to her parents that she's got a bun in the oven. The dad reacts by beating her senseless, and the mom is overjoyed (citing that she's been praying for Grandbabies for too long - and since Zoey's older sister went batshit crazy and took the other grandbabies away, Zoey has been their only hope).

(see, this is where the writers decided to go "Law and Order" style with a "Ripped from the Headlines" tagline - seamlessly writing in W's personal life into Zoey's story.)

The episode ends with a huge musical montage number (all sung to the tune of Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry") in the hospital room where Zoey remarks "Being a mommy is the best thing ever" - immediately after DCFS comes in and takes the child away because, oops! no one told Zoey that you can't keep snorting lines of coke off high school toilet seats while pregnant. Every shrugs their shoulders and laughs with "That's So Zoey!!!!"


I'm e-mailing it to Nick execs today (with an invoice for $80,000). I'll let you know how it goes.

...and, lest we forget, Sadie still loves Mommy...

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