Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Exploitation of Old People and Such...

So, Sadie decided to tune into Dick Clark's Rocking New Years Eve - a touchstone of year-end festivities (and year-beginning) for the past... um..., I dunno, 78 years (or something). Hell, a lot longer than I've been alive.

Well, anyways, after being wooed by a powerful montage of Carrie Underwood songs (and following the jabbing in the eye with a pen that quickly followed that performance), ABC cut to the animated corpse of Dick Clark.

And Sadie cried.

Now, who doesn't love Dick Clark? Guy's a machine! He's been doing this since long before TV had cable-order porn readily available - he's an American Icon (much like Tina Yothers). But, enough is enough. Please don't force him to work any more.

The only thing worse than children being forced to slave away 26 hours a day in a factory so that my sketchers are sewn together well is forcing elderly people to perform for us. Everytime I walk into a Wal-Mart and am greeted by their greeters, I feel awful. I just want to give the grandparent a hug and write them a check that will cover retirement. I don't feel nearly the twinge of guilt when I pick up a Kathy Lee Gifford sweater vest because, hey, kids are kids. They rebound quickly. They have little hands that are great for stitching and their bones are made of Jello - they heal fast. But older people deserve more - they deserve to rest.

And, by forcing them to work, it keeps them on the road and increases the chances of me dying in an elderly-related accident.

So, ABC, hear my plea:

I think it's great that Dick is recovering from a three year old stroke and you think that parading him around like a muppet (I swear I saw a hand up his shirt, moving his lips) is an inspiration to unproductive old people everywhere - just let him retire.

Sadie couldn't even rock after seeing him, she was so disturbed. And not even a plucky Ryan Seacrest could wipe away the pangs of guilt she felt for being party to such a shameful exploitation.

So, here's to next year - make Seacrest do it all, and, here's a suggestion: hire Lynn Spears to be a co-anchor. She'll have completely caused her children's suicides/imprisonment by then, so she'll have time on her hand (in between writing her next book: "How to pimp out your offspring and reap the benefits!" - an Oprah book club lister, for sure).

Sadie loves Dick Clark.

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