Tuesday, December 11, 2007

"If it is a first offense, you ground them and have a talk. The second offense would call for counseling." - Alan Thicke

Oooohhh. As long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin right in our hands.
Baby you and me, we gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin’

On safari, in the small African province of Z'mbi'tok'a'eia (vowels and apostrophes are new to their language), I encountered a small tribe of Z'mbi'men whose central worship figure was the great, Hungarian sperm whale. And while I was amazed at their adherence to a non-anthropomorphic deity in this day and age, what really shocked me was their obsession over 80s TV star Alan Thicke. As I approached their village, I could hear a faint beating of the drums to the tune of the Growing Pains theme song.

These people had built a religion around Doctor Jason Seaver. The children were dressed in the cardigan sweaters and frumpy skirts of Kirk Cameron and Tracey Gold. Wholesome family messages were doled out at random - with the accompany tribesman standing around "awww"ing in faux audience reaction.

Sadly, their religion came to a crashing halt when Raising Helen came out. Apparently, in this culture, while Alan Thicke is revered, the obnoxious John Corbett is the equivalent of the devil. Having the two of them in one movie (add in Amber Valetta who nearly destroyed the country with her appearance in the "we do not speak of this movie" Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story) was too much, and the economic stability of the country collapsed and the country fell into a massive depression (which is stayed in until last year when it was revived with the growing "adopt a child from Africa" craze that so plagues Hollywood).

You might ask: What does this very long digression about Alan Thicke and Del Leppard have to do with Sadie? I would ask the same thing if I were you. The answer is: nothing.

See, there are times in our lives when we are touched by certain events (the Alan Thicke-ites) that seemingly have nothing to do with the touchstones of our existence (Sadie), and yet, we can't help but find parallels in their stories (and thus learn valuable lessons).

Parallel: Alan Thicke led a generation with morals and values. Sadie, is a dog.
Parallel: Kirk Cameron went on to star in the craptastic Left Behind movies. Sadie would not be left behind if the Rapture happened.
Parallel: The "rapture" makes me laugh. Sadie makes me laugh.

See, now haven't we all learned a valuable lesson?

.....and Sadie loves mommy!

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